Sweet Peaceful spirit.

I lay in bed awakened by the fear that my children are not safe at  2:00 in the morning. (As I have done many times in the past.)  I remembered that my friend Cynthia told me that she kneels down to pray so that she might find comfort in the night when fear and darkness try to overtake her. I slithered to my knees beside my bed and cried to my Heavenly Father. This prayer was unlike any that have come before. My heart opened to the most sincere and honest conversation with a real and loving Heavenly Father. A sweet peaceful spirit comforted me and helped me to know my blessings and my weaknesses. I could see the love I have for my family and their love for me.
The spirit also showed me how my life of addiction to food and habits of laziness have affected the spirit from fully being in our home. I was guided to know how to repent and feel the joy and pain of my mistakes. The spirit taught me how to overcome my weaknesses by showing me the faces of my children. I cried repentance for my selfish pride. I thanked Heavenly Father for my Savior, Jesus Christ, and the sacrifice he made for me. I could feel the pain  I caused him at the same time I could feel the  love he has for me.
Not wanting to leave my knees I continued to seek the spirit offering (repenting of) other sins and feeling more gratitude for my blessings.
I haven't been able to feel and think this clearly for so long. I remembered a time in Nebraska that my daily bread (routine) was kneeling down for the purifying and comforting power of the spirit.
How do I capture this feeling (joy, love, pain, strength, peace, desire) for times that I am weak? When I wake up will I remember and begin the path of living my strengthened testimony?
I have so much more to repent of, I need to have many more prayers. I have so much more to learn and will seek the scriptures to teach me. I have been given so much that I don't want to take for granted.
I do not want to forget the gift of peace that was given to me tonight.

This Day and That Day

Jan Oneil has Atlatls from all over the world and one of my favorite is from Australia. It looks like it is aboriginal and has written on it the words. "This Day" and "That Day". The meaning of this is:
The two most important days are TODAY (or this day) and the day you meet your MAKER (or That Day you Die).
I have prepared for this day my whole life.

I am haunted by the same problems of my past.

I was just reading the post from 2013 that inspired this blog so long ago and realize that nothing has changed. I was able to get on medication for depression April 12. Since that day I have kept a journal that outlines the changes I am making and the feelings I am having while on the medication. The REALITY is: I wrote the same things these past 2 weeks as I did in the post from April 2015. Almost exactly the same. Could I really have been struggling with the same flaws for the past 2 years? My dreams are haunted by my inadequacies. I know what I should be doing but don't. I feel as if I have lived in a cloud for the last 2 years. 

The difference now is that I am coming out of the cloud and looking around to find that I am truly blessed.

Accountable

Consistency is one of my biggest character flaws. I want to resolve that by establishing well thought out habits that I can track and be accountable for. I need several things to make this happen:
1. Amber is my accountability coach
2. Well thought out plan: To be revealed...
3. Daily tracker: This blog

Strive for continuous improvement, instead of perfection.

The blog domain is "Just a little at a time." This implies that we are striving for continuous improvement everyday. Our goal is not perfection because that is impossible in this life. Perfection is an imaginary ideal that we create in our minds. It is a never ending search that will leave us feeling hollow and unsatisfied. We cannot let the "imaginary ideal" debilitate us. The answer is to START WHERE YOU ARE. Start right now and do your personal best.

This is my side

April 10, 2013
Everyone has a story. As I tell mine I see that the trouble in telling your story is "truth". I want to be as honest as possible. If someone reads my story and recalls the same event I want them to see truth in it. More importantly I want to know that I have tried my best to be fair even if the story paints a dark picture of me. Truth is said to be one sided.

Purposeful Life

Today is Thursday, April 4, 2013
I have an increased desire to do/be better. I know that my potential is greater than I am able to visualize at this time. So many things are happening and I need clarity. My first impulse is to go to my knees and pray. After that I just start cleaning and the next day I forget these intense desires to BE better. The spirit puts into my mind a seed of what I can do but my "natural" man forgets about the seed (and how to grow something beautiful) and I do nothing because it is easier. Right NOW I am aware of my inconsistent personality. I know that I am not living the life I am meant to live. That is the purpose of this blog. I want to develop a purpose to my actions. I want to rejoice in my triumphs and learn from my mistakes. I easily forget my blessings. I need to remember the everyday life I live so that I can change. I am doing this for me.

I want to refine my character.
I find myself wasting time because I feel like I deserve to do what I want. I loose sight of what is really important to me and I try to feel the void with food and internet. I ignore the basic needs of my children because I am selfish and lazy. I am aware of my flaws and trying to discover my strengths. I love my kids and husband. I am going to do things out of love and control my temper. I am going to pray for help on this because I easily forget. I forget how young my kids are and when I see their faces after I yell it breaks my heart. I want to correct them with love. I want to give them the tools to succeed. I need help from heaven.

I would like to get back to the basics.
Personal and Family prayer everyday, before school and before bed. Family scripture study-sitting down, where everyone has a book and tries to read. FHE- sharing responsibilities, everyone contributes and we learn to communicate in an place where the spirit can teach. Exercise- personal wellness, family togetherness, active family time. Family meals-sitting down to eat a healthy meal at the table. (Our table is always messy and the seating is hard to accomadate all 5 of us but we could do it if we wanted.) Preparing for success-laying out clothes, following through, job charts. I know this is not basic but I would love for my kids to learn the piano so they can succeed where I failed. I want to give them the oppurtunity to dance, soccer, gymnastics, whatever makes them happy.

I want to simplify my home and environment.
Garage saleing started in Boise. Truman was little and Lauren a twinkle in my eye. It quickly became the highlight of my summer Saturday mornings. I could get clothes, toys, and furniture for cheap. It was necessary at the beginning because of our limited finances but It took on a life of its own. Now everything we own has been purchased at a garage sale. Our house looks a little like DI. It is hard to keep our home clean because of all the STUFF. I want to simplify and use what we have. I need to go through our home with a fine tooth comb and eliminate everything that is not serving a purpose and does not have a place. This is very hard for me. I need help. I am back on my knees.

I would like to learn at work, home, and church.
When I graduated I stopped the active learning that comes from daily classes. Group discussions. The stress and pressure of tests. (which I don't miss and I still wake up in a cold sweat thinking I have a test and didn't study for it.)I should take every opportunity to learn but I find myself distracted by the internet or movies or books on tape. Anything that keeps me from having to think about my responsibilities. OH how different my life is from what I had imagined it to be when I was young.
At Work: I have signed up for FCCS and asked to be trained for the ICU. I need to do something everyday to be a better nurse.
At Home: I need to try to be a better mom and homemaker. I have to keep this simple because I have a habit of making lists that never get looked at again.
FHE, Family prayer, Family scripture study. There are so many books I want to read about parenting but the one in my purse right now: The Entitlement Trap by the Eyres.
At Church: I don't get to go to RS because I teach every other week in the 5 year old class. I work every other weekend. My spiritual enrichment has to be up to me. I am not on a mission.

I want to live on purpose. I want to actively make changes to be better. I know that I will make mistakes but I am prepared to laugh and move on.